z
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If I were to write
I'd account about my Life
and Friends
Z In Skinny
I am half of this blog and out of the country.
Having life out of my course with friends and the other Z ,
and accounting bits and pieces that I would seldomly oversee in this blog .
Eyes for sense of style, colours and proportion to the slightest inch.
Personally fond of detailing.
Zafiruddin Abd Rahman
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A good pair of JEANS will take you far
...with a good pair of SHOES
Thursday 11 February 2010
Are we human? Or are we dancers?
My supervisor is a super nice guy. He's friendly, not really fussy, understanding and very very cool. He told me from the first day I was fully in-charged of my timetable, I am an adult learner, so just manage my own learning. And he said I won't be expecting you to stay 9-5 everyday. Nice!
But however cool or however loose my supervisor was, I couldn't help from feeling a little bit terrified or intimated whenever I had sessions with him. I always have this kind of feelings when I'm the least confident medical student, I have the least medical knowledge and I just couldn't speak when I'm with certain people. Let say my consultant, in this case, he's super brilliant, as like he knows everything, and how dreadful to be around him and even worst, to be asked questions! Sometimes I was asked just simple, basic questions but thinking that he's my supervisor and he's going to assess me and circle my performance in that bloody green form, I always ended up over-think, over-conscious about my answer and suddenly I was mind-blocked. I couldn't really answer him properly, and I'd ramble on weird answers in layman terms. It's so humiliating. Especially when I was told to do certain skills in front of him I was like nervous all the time, suddenly I forgot how to insert a cannula properly. How hopeless I was. But when he's not around I did it perfectly, even got praised by the registrar, telling me it was perfect! Oh gosh.
Oh well, as we talked along about my performance for the last 6 weeks in the final hour, I totally expected everything he's going to say. He said my knowledge is still patchy (which I totally agree) especially on basic clinical knowledge, but in some areas my knowledge is excellent, well-advanced even more than the foundation doctors. I'm at both extreme ends. The assessment turned out well, way beyond my expectation.
However, I couldn't help to feel a little bit upset, as like I said, when my performance depended totally on what he saw, or what he thought, I just think he didn't see my full potential as a medical student or a future doctor. The assessment was just based on the time I spent with him which was just like once a week. And sometimes I'm sorry but the questions that he asked were a bit random!
But part of it is true that I still have gaps in my knowledge, but not being asked about what I do know is a little bit annoying. It's just a matter of right question with the right revised knowledge that I got at THAT time. The more I learn, the more I don't know, and to get asked about the don't knows is something. I guess that's the way you learn - by not knowing. But being asked question after question unfortunately revolved around that GAPS in my knowledge, will turn out to be not that decent in my performance sheet right? Agree?
It takes so many different aspects to be able to deliver when you are being put in the spotlight. Knowledge is definitely, whether you've came across anything similar before, the confidence, the ability not to be intimidated by anyone, the ability to control your voice to not be squeaky, and to just say the answer out loud. To put all of those together within limited period of time is just nerve-wrecking. People could just drop dead to be put in that so much pressure.
Looking back, I do know now that:
1. I do have insecurities (who doesn't). I do feel intimidated at times, but I just need to get over it quickly. I do care what people might think about me. I do feel the pressure not being able to answer a question properly.
2. I need to be really certain on my foundation knowledge especially in basic definition, causes, types, and management of common diseases. We're always being pushed to advance our knowledge, knowing complicated diseases, complicated treatments. But after all, common things are common. Knowing more without forgetting the basics is hard, but I just need to do it.
3. I am human. I don't know everything and the registrar, consultants, or whoever won't expect me to be able to answer everything. If not they won't know what to teach me anymore.
4. I still have time. Medicine is a life-long learning but I still need to pass finals to be qualified. I still have time before finals.
Maybe now I can forgive myself. Maybe a long gap not doing any clinical work is getting its toll on me. But slowly I'll get there. Just listen to Take That's Shine - 'stop being so hard on yourself, it's not good for your health.'
I'm doing plastics next week!
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The other half of this blog .
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Grey is my favourite colour .
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