z A N D z

If I were to write
I'd account about my Life
and Friends





I am half of this blog and out of the country.
Having life out of my course with friends and the other Z ,
and accounting bits and pieces that I would seldomly oversee in this blog .
Eyes for sense of style, colours and proportion to the slightest inch.
Personally fond of detailing.


Zafiruddin Abd Rahman

Create Your Badge

A good pair of JEANS will take you far
...with a good pair of SHOES

" Judge me for who i am ,

not what i am"

Labels: Thoughts

posted by Zaril Razak @ 23:21   0 comments

For the past few days , I have been thinking about my future . Short-term and long-term.

I have few goals that I want and I need to achieve by the age of 30 .

My mum and some of my friends have been urging me to apply for jobs here , however i am procastinating so much and I am being so pessimistic about my chance of getting a job . Hearing about other people getting turned down by employers have been pretty discouraging . However , if I do not try I will end up with " What if...".

Another thing that I'm not sure of is why I want to work here . Is it because I really want to work here or just for the plain reason of getting away from my job that's waiting for me in Central Bank ? Is it because I am not ready . If this is the reason , then what makes me think that I'm ready for a job here ( if I get it ) .

Life's all fun and joy but there are times when you need to sit and think . What do you want ? What do I want ? What should I do to get what I want ? Sorting these things is not easy . Some drastic changes need to be made . As cliche as this may be ,

"Allah tidak akan mengubah nasib sesuatu kaum , melainkan kaum itu sendiri mengubah nasibnya"

Labels: Thoughts

posted by Zaril Razak @ 16:12   0 comments

You can't buy it.

It's just who you are .

Either you have it or you don't.

You can try to copy , but you'll fail.

Labels: Thoughts

posted by Zaril Razak @ 15:18   0 comments

6 weeks of SSC in critical care are now the thing in the past. All behind me now. Although I still have poster presentation to do for my audit but at least I can do that in my own comfort time and comfort zone. So as usual, my supervisor had to sign off like an assessment form to say I've attended and I had certain level of interest and I was professional all the time whatever that means.
My supervisor is a super nice guy. He's friendly, not really fussy, understanding and very very cool. He told me from the first day I was fully in-charged of my timetable, I am an adult learner, so just manage my own learning. And he said I won't be expecting you to stay 9-5 everyday. Nice!
But however cool or however loose my supervisor was, I couldn't help from feeling a little bit terrified or intimated whenever I had sessions with him. I always have this kind of feelings when I'm the least confident medical student, I have the least medical knowledge and I just couldn't speak when I'm with certain people. Let say my consultant, in this case, he's super brilliant, as like he knows everything, and how dreadful to be around him and even worst, to be asked questions! Sometimes I was asked just simple, basic questions but thinking that he's my supervisor and he's going to assess me and circle my performance in that bloody green form, I always ended up over-think, over-conscious about my answer and suddenly I was mind-blocked. I couldn't really answer him properly, and I'd ramble on weird answers in layman terms. It's so humiliating. Especially when I was told to do certain skills in front of him I was like nervous all the time, suddenly I forgot how to insert a cannula properly. How hopeless I was. But when he's not around I did it perfectly, even got praised by the registrar, telling me it was perfect! Oh gosh.
Oh well, as we talked along about my performance for the last 6 weeks in the final hour, I totally expected everything he's going to say. He said my knowledge is still patchy (which I totally agree) especially on basic clinical knowledge, but in some areas my knowledge is excellent, well-advanced even more than the foundation doctors. I'm at both extreme ends. The assessment turned out well, way beyond my expectation.
However, I couldn't help to feel a little bit upset, as like I said, when my performance depended totally on what he saw, or what he thought, I just think he didn't see my full potential as a medical student or a future doctor. The assessment was just based on the time I spent with him which was just like once a week. And sometimes I'm sorry but the questions that he asked were a bit random!
But part of it is true that I still have gaps in my knowledge, but not being asked about what I do know is a little bit annoying. It's just a matter of right question with the right revised knowledge that I got at THAT time. The more I learn, the more I don't know, and to get asked about the don't knows is something. I guess that's the way you learn - by not knowing. But being asked question after question unfortunately revolved around that GAPS in my knowledge, will turn out to be not that decent in my performance sheet right? Agree?
It takes so many different aspects to be able to deliver when you are being put in the spotlight. Knowledge is definitely, whether you've came across anything similar before, the confidence, the ability not to be intimidated by anyone, the ability to control your voice to not be squeaky, and to just say the answer out loud. To put all of those together within limited period of time is just nerve-wrecking. People could just drop dead to be put in that so much pressure.
Looking back, I do know now that:
1. I do have insecurities (who doesn't). I do feel intimidated at times, but I just need to get over it quickly. I do care what people might think about me. I do feel the pressure not being able to answer a question properly.
2. I need to be really certain on my foundation knowledge especially in basic definition, causes, types, and management of common diseases. We're always being pushed to advance our knowledge, knowing complicated diseases, complicated treatments. But after all, common things are common. Knowing more without forgetting the basics is hard, but I just need to do it.
3. I am human. I don't know everything and the registrar, consultants, or whoever won't expect me to be able to answer everything. If not they won't know what to teach me anymore.
4. I still have time. Medicine is a life-long learning but I still need to pass finals to be qualified. I still have time before finals.

Maybe now I can forgive myself. Maybe a long gap not doing any clinical work is getting its toll on me. But slowly I'll get there. Just listen to Take That's Shine - 'stop being so hard on yourself, it's not good for your health.'

I'm doing plastics next week!

Labels: Thoughts

posted by Zafiruddin @ 10:20   0 comments

I slept dreamlessly and uninterruptedly last night. I don't think I'm a deep sleeper and always waking up in between sleeps to check the time, and turn around, adjust the duvet, adjust the pillow and what not. Therefore, I always wake up usually before my alarm goes.
I had to meet my consultant at 8.30 a.m. and put my alarm on at 7, and I needed to go out at 8.15 a.m. I always give quite sometime in the morning for me to wake up properly, stretch here and there, shower, do my morning regime, have a great breakfast (peanut butter and chocolate toasts remember?), update my twitter, and all that jazz. Just that I hate to rush.
But suddenly this morning I didn't wake up to my alarm. When I woke up I realised it's already bright and I was like OH NOOOOOOOOO. And the time.........7.59 a.m. Shoot me. Surprisingly, my mind was racing, tried to think what should I tell my consultant for coming in late and perhaps I could just go in like really late. Might as well, right? Just because I hate to rush, and I thought I'd never going to make it on time. But the good side of me gave me a huge slap to my face in an attempt to wake me up properly. What the hell was I thinking. Half a minute later off I went into the shower, lalilalila, dadidada, had my breakfast and what not and 15 minutes later, I was ready to go.

Although I got lost a little bit trying to find where the operating theatre was, but I made it almost on time, without a trace from my face that I was rushing, and my consultant was already there. Oh I made it! My hair might still be wet (oh it's short anyway) and I might not be waking up properly just yet but I made it! I never thought. I'm so proud of myself.
And then I got change, and ready to feel and put my 'I'm a medical student with the least amount of knowledge when my consultant asks me question' look.

It's Wednesday!

Labels: Thoughts

posted by Zafiruddin @ 15:24   0 comments

Oh-my-God. I'm just glad it's already Sunday and we're going into a new week. So that I can start fresh. I had no idea what's been going on but this week is all over the place. I'm shattered if I could say. Starting from having to wait until Friday for my important meeting, I was distracted I would say from the beginning of the week. However the meeting turned out fine and I'm free as a bird. Oh well. I didn't regret being worried since i'm a worrier and a control freak. It keeps me moving. Haha.
Later this week, my hair contributed to this week's fiasco which i've bitched in my previous entry. I hope I'll grow over it with my hair growing with time. Give me two months.
On Friday night I was seating in front of my laptop as usual, wasting time as usual, surfing the internet as usual, blog-hopping as usual and later I watched American Idol as usual. I always paused in the middle of watching anything, when I remembered to download something. And this time I needed to download Mr Hudson's new album. I'm obbsesed with the song supernova and out of a sudden I wanted the whole album. As usual I opened 4shared.com to download it. I found the file then I resumed my American Idol video. Suddenly out of the ordinary, my usual life, I was warned that there's a virus in the file I was trying to download. I was about to delete it when suddenly my laptop went blank. I was dead.

OH COME ON. NOT THIS TIME! I HAVE AUDIT TO DO AND I HAVE POSTERS TO DO. HOW SHOULD I WATCH VIDEOS LATER HOW SHOULD I USE INTERNET LATER, NO INTERNET = NO LIFE AND I CAN'T BE LIFELESS UNTIL SUMMER AND I'M GONNA DIE. PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I swear all of those were in my mind and as I watched my laptop went off in terror. Oh great. This is just perfect. I don't know what to do.
I went crazy carrying my laptop like a poor mum carrying her sick child to the clinic downstairs to my housemate's room. That's how hopeless I was. HELP ME!
The virus turned out to be really bad, it caused my laptop to be in constant restart mode (i'm not that technical so hey) and it won't go into the main window. My housemate attempted to get into basic windows but the virus was stronger than he thought. He thought he just needed to reinstall new windows. Luckily most of my files were in D drive so he could clear up C drive and put in new windows. Gosh..it was real bad.
Although I didn't mind for him to do anything to get my laptop back to life but I couldn't escape from being a little bit reluctant to change the whole thing. As a control freak as I am, I just like things the way they are. I like my shoes in the box like the first time I bought them, I'd keep my bags in the dust bag like the first time I got them, the plastic cover are still on my blackberry screen, and many other things, I just like to keep things the way they are so I can fell they are new all the time.
In this case, I couldn't stop thinking how if the windows are not suitable with my laptop, how if things go wrong and so many other how ifs. Sometimes change can turn into a disaster. But in the middle of my over-conscious brain interpreting the situation like there's no tomorrow, I agreed for him to do whatever that needed to be done. There you go. Just like that.
When it's done, it wasn't as bad as I thought. All of my songs, pictures and other stuff in D drive were still there. Just it felt lighter. Maybe this time change is good. Yeah...sometimes change is good. Thanks to the virus, now files that I meant to delete a while ago had been deleted, viruses or spams among my files had been cleared out. There's need to change afterall. When I put this picture as my wallpaper






It felt just like before. But I knew it's even better since now I can start afresh, but I can still bring forward what's best of it from the last time, losing what I never wanted from the first place. Maybe things have to happen after all so that then I realise at some point I just need to change to get better.


To a more happy week.

Labels: Thoughts

posted by Zafiruddin @ 07:33   1 comments

I went to Friday prayer near uni just now. Guys and boys please laa. You know that you're going take wudhu' you have to bend down, when you pray you have to bend down. I think more material to cover your back won't hurt. Seeing butt-crack couple of times were nothing but nauseating. Please laa u don't want people to see that and talk about it like what i'm doing right now. It's disgusting. We should have more dignity boys. It's not cool okay to show your back to people like that. Not decent and way far away from classy.

So the moral of the story, enough clothes won't hurt. Especially to Friday prayers!

Labels: Thoughts

posted by Zafiruddin @ 10:42   0 comments

I believe that some things in life just come naturally. You can't force it to happen . An obvious one would be love , but this applies to friendship as well .

Of late , I have encountered few events where I realise just that . The first time I encountered this I was rather puzzled . I felt quite embarassed of myself for trying so hard to create the connection . Till today , everytime I recall how excited I was in trying to forge the friendship I feel so ashamed . I still don't understand why the friendship never took off .

Recently , I had another encounter with this particular person . We went to watch a musical with a mutual friend and when he left for the gents it was such an awkward moment . We just couldn't hold a proper conversation . There's no chemistry .

Then it strikes me , there's nothing wrong with me and that maybe we're just not meant to be friends . That's why I keep reminding myself that never try too hard and if it's meant to happen it will.You'll never know when and where you'll meet new friends . Never in a million years would I have thought that I'll meet my BFF where we met!

Labels: Thoughts

posted by Zaril Razak @ 19:25   1 comments

I woke up today suddenly I felt like cutting my hair. Not too much, I just wanted to get rid of the "curly bits" around my ears and my neck. I told Zaril that I thought of keeping my hair long and see how long I could stand it. But it's just until today. I don't like the idea of keeping it long any more. I had this imaginary image that I'll look seriously ugly by having long hair.
I got home from hospital, changed and off I went to cut my hair. I sat there, telling the guy I wanted a slight trim, just get rid of the bits around my ears and my neck and just cut slightly the rest of my hair. I said clearly couple of times just slightly OK like half an inch! He was like oh yeah ok ok. That's fine.
Good thing he used just the scissors instead of that annoying machine thing. At first he was ok with the sides although he cut like really fast. I was getting anxious, like shit shit he's gonna ruin my hair. When he was just about to start on the top I reminded him AGAIN just a little bit yeah! He was like yeah I know. When he started I almost cried. I was doomed!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't even stop him since he was like possessed, blindly cutting my hair like he was holding a revenge out of my hair! I practically died at that moment. I was so annoyed since I've told him over and over again not too short you asshole!
When it's done he was smiling like he's done a wonderful job! I was so annoyed and running out of swear words in my heart. Demyuh! I got even more angry when he showed me the mirror to see the back of my head, I told him you were not listening, I told you not too short! He was holding his scissors and comb at that time and stupidly attempted to cut my hair even more, as if I wasn't satisfied that my hair was not too short! He is CRAZY!!!!!!! I was angry that my hair is too short now and you thought I wanted it even shorter. How delusional are you! He even asked me are you OK? You want it shorter?? Asshole.
Luckily I managed to put myself together and not rolling on the floor or jumping around like crazy witch yelling at him. I thought it's been done and of course he couldn't do anything much at this point. It's not like they can offer me free natural hair extensions ala Tyra Banks or Beyonce! I'm getting out of here u asshole! I tell you he is one crazy person.
Oh well, now my hair is short. I was standing in front of my mirror for like half an hour to figure out what styling should I wear starting tomorrow. I know hair will grow it's not a big deal but hell I'm angry that he wasn't listening to me! He was busy talking with his friends while cutting my hair like a possessed bitch! That's more annoying.
Whatever it is I'm still gonna have to WERQ this hair. What else should I do? Just WERQ!

Labels: Thoughts

posted by Zafiruddin @ 06:23   0 comments

They say a good pair of JEANS and SHOES
will make people talk about you . No ?

A good pair of JEANS and SHOES
links us together .



Aliph
Zaff
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